theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
