I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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