Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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