i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock