so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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