When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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