If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
