I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
