i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
