My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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