My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
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i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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