Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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