So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
