respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
