my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
