his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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