all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
