I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
