i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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