I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
