I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
