ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
