Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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