I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
operation have a gay friend backfired
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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