when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
