I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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