Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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