You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
