I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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