New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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