how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
