Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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