i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
