She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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