Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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