Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
