i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
