apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
