I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I had your ass I would rule the world