Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
