I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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