Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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