i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
