You're completely useless in the revolution.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
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