you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
