My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
