I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
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He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."