now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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