As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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