too bad you live with your parents still
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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