This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
