he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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