I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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