is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
