That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
