My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
