This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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