theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
