Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
