My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
